So, I am going to change the url of our blog. I just want to start fresh & update the url anyway since it is dct, for dennis, calena, tavin. We have a few more additions :). Stay posted for the new url.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
That is called L-O-V-E
After a night with friends the boys came home worn out, so much that Tavin went to bed and tucked himself in after we all read our stories. Impressive!
Well, Alec was still going strong and after Dennis and I left the room. He was making noise for a little while before it went silent. I went in about an hour later and look what I found... Alec fell asleep on top of Tavin! He really does love to snuggle with his brother, I guess he really wanted to be close tonight, LOL!
Nights like this I wonder why I am so concerned about having another one of these little guys, I wish we had more of them (nights like tonight).
Thanks Michelle for having these little guys over, they were SO happy a the way home and to bed!!!
Well, Alec was still going strong and after Dennis and I left the room. He was making noise for a little while before it went silent. I went in about an hour later and look what I found... Alec fell asleep on top of Tavin! He really does love to snuggle with his brother, I guess he really wanted to be close tonight, LOL!
Nights like this I wonder why I am so concerned about having another one of these little guys, I wish we had more of them (nights like tonight).Thanks Michelle for having these little guys over, they were SO happy a the way home and to bed!!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
No wonder why I can't sleep at 3 a.m.
I know I have not gotten on here in a long time, it kinda feels funny to be using a normal keyboard, I have gotten so used to just checking my email and facebook with my phone that I don't bother getting on a computer anymore.
So, here it is 3 something in the morning and once again, I just can't sleep, or maybe I don't want to tonight since it is the only time I have peace in this house. I really don't think I can handle much more of living here, not necessarily the location but the situation. Dennis reminded me so lovingly tonight though, I don't have much of a choice. Isn't that just great. So now what do I get to do, it feels like I get to just watch my children's lives just dwindle away and get worse day by day. Now we get to top it off with a third, oh yea.
Aren't I supposed to be excited to have another baby? Maybe it is the depression (when isn't it anymore) talking but I think I was a bit on the naive and stupid side for getting pregnant again! Dummy me, what did I think would happen? Well, what I thought is that my Husband wouldn't be out of a job for 17 months and be home with us. I love having him here, his company is enjoyed but seriously, we have no freaken schedule anymore, I keep trying but with both of us here I can't be the one who is "in charge" of anything specific like Moms normally are throughout the day. When he does get to go back to work, if he does, it is going to be a HUGE adjustment, I am not looking forward to, but in another way, I am.
So here is the problem... It has gotten so bad around here with Tavin's lack of eating that we have resorted to telling him that he is going to have to go to the hospital if he does not eat what we give him because his body is not getting enough nourishment from food and is going to get so week he will die. In order for him not to die he either needs to eat his food or he needs to go the hospital and get shots and an IV so he will not die! How freaken pathetic is that one!
As he sits there screaming in his chair at every single meal we have I just sit there thinking, this is our life, I hate it! Alec now just screams when he sees food because of what he sees Tavin doing. I try to keep mealtime separate but it still doesn't work because Alec has the ability to walk into the kitchen to see what the commotion is, which he does every time. Tonight Tavin threw up twice at the table, of course because he had some jello it was all red, lovely. He gets himself so upset before he takes his bites that his body reacts by gagging and vomiting. All this is doing is teaching him to hate food even more, but what in the crap else am I suppose to do, I can't just let him not eat. It isn't hat he isn't hungry, he will actually be hungry for hours and feel sick before he tells me. He is so used to being hungry that it hurts his tummy when he eats a full meal (and when I say a full meal I mean a full meal toddler size!).
Every time I have him seen it is always the same response... His weight is fine, he doesn't look sick. Yes well if you ate what he ate you would look fine too. A body cannot live off of cheese, crackers, dried fruit and an occasional grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or and dry cereal alone. It is no wonder he has been on medication to have normal bowel movements (which he still doesn't and normally bleeds when he does) for the past two years of him life.
I seriously just cannot take it anymore, I am ready to just drop his off somewhere and have someone else fix this issue. We have a few services come from Early Intervention for Alec, there is an eating therapist, speech therapist and a behaviorist. The eating therapist can't do much because the problem is stemming from the example his brother is setting for him. She keeps offering suggestions, none of which have worked thus far. The Speech therapist has only been twice now but on her first visit is the one who told us about the adenoids being enlarged and creating the problem with the constant drool and lack of speech. Had the surgery and he is talking up a storm now, problem solved. The behaviorist comes as a part of the supplemental assistant to families, she is here because of Tavin. The problem is, his problem is eating which they refer back to the eating therapist. She is very helpful when I have other issues and has made several suggestions to help Alec, none of which I can do right now. One suggestion she had that was great was to take him to a daycare a few days a weeks, just for a few hours, over mealtime. This way he can be with other kids and have the example of them eating and be more apt and willing to try new foods and have better mealtime habits. Great idea!!! No money for daycare. Dennis has no job. I could go and get a part-time job to pay for it, just to cover that expense, only I am having a baby in a month and a half, and who is going to hire me for a month? Let alone I can't put him in for one month just to take him back out.
I keep looking for answers, asking for suggestions of places to get help from every professional I know but nobody has any answers. There would be some solutions available if we had decent insurance but Medicaid (which thank goodness the boys have that available) does not offer any program that offers anything close to dealing with eating issues, or services for children with Aspergers. If you want help with that you have to go through some other State based program that SUCKS! All they do is give you different suggestions to help treat behaviors. These are some of the suggestions we were given... Get him in swimming lessons because he likes being active, take him to museums so he can have plenty of opportunity to explore different things and go to some conferences for Parents who have children with Aspergers. Okay you idiot of a women, if I had money I would do all of those things, then again, if I had money I wouldn't be on Medicaid having t0 get advice from her in the first place! Isn't that where they are supposed to be paying attention to their clientele before offering advice.
I am just extremely upset and at a complete loss as to what to do. I would pray but I think that is kind of a joke right now. Everything I pray for these last years, it's like I am talking to a wall. At one point I believed that if you ask in complete faith it will happen, well guess what happened, nothing. I have learned though that once I am at a point that I think and fully believe that I cannot handle more of anything, that life has completely overtaken me and I am beginning to go under, I will always have a little bit more piled on, just to push me under a bit further. It;s like it is a test to see how hard I can swim, only doesn't God know that I can't swim at all?
For 17 months now we have been praying for Dennis to find a job, any job, we have even prayed for a job at Costco, Home Depot, etc... even with his Masters Degree, who cares anymore, just a job. All this time I have been consoling myself, as well as Dennis with this b.s. line of, oh you couldn't have had a job at this time or another because then you wouldn't have been able to help so and so in this horrible situation, it must be in God's plan that you were to be home to be able to help. Yes well, life is grand when you can help but when you can't support your own family no excuse of being here to help someone else really cuts it. I just think it's all a big line of junk. For whatever reason it has become apparent to me that God just does not want to intervene in my life, I guess it is more of a free for all.
I just really want to escape right now, from my kids, but especially from the kitchen. I don't want anything to do with that whole area of my house anymore. For all I care at this point we can all live on crackers alone, and eat them all in the living room. How much worse can this get and how awful it must feel to be Tavin right now, all the damage I am doing to him psychologically, I just don;t know what else to do! Can't I just quit my job as a Mother?
So, here it is 3 something in the morning and once again, I just can't sleep, or maybe I don't want to tonight since it is the only time I have peace in this house. I really don't think I can handle much more of living here, not necessarily the location but the situation. Dennis reminded me so lovingly tonight though, I don't have much of a choice. Isn't that just great. So now what do I get to do, it feels like I get to just watch my children's lives just dwindle away and get worse day by day. Now we get to top it off with a third, oh yea.
Aren't I supposed to be excited to have another baby? Maybe it is the depression (when isn't it anymore) talking but I think I was a bit on the naive and stupid side for getting pregnant again! Dummy me, what did I think would happen? Well, what I thought is that my Husband wouldn't be out of a job for 17 months and be home with us. I love having him here, his company is enjoyed but seriously, we have no freaken schedule anymore, I keep trying but with both of us here I can't be the one who is "in charge" of anything specific like Moms normally are throughout the day. When he does get to go back to work, if he does, it is going to be a HUGE adjustment, I am not looking forward to, but in another way, I am.
So here is the problem... It has gotten so bad around here with Tavin's lack of eating that we have resorted to telling him that he is going to have to go to the hospital if he does not eat what we give him because his body is not getting enough nourishment from food and is going to get so week he will die. In order for him not to die he either needs to eat his food or he needs to go the hospital and get shots and an IV so he will not die! How freaken pathetic is that one!
As he sits there screaming in his chair at every single meal we have I just sit there thinking, this is our life, I hate it! Alec now just screams when he sees food because of what he sees Tavin doing. I try to keep mealtime separate but it still doesn't work because Alec has the ability to walk into the kitchen to see what the commotion is, which he does every time. Tonight Tavin threw up twice at the table, of course because he had some jello it was all red, lovely. He gets himself so upset before he takes his bites that his body reacts by gagging and vomiting. All this is doing is teaching him to hate food even more, but what in the crap else am I suppose to do, I can't just let him not eat. It isn't hat he isn't hungry, he will actually be hungry for hours and feel sick before he tells me. He is so used to being hungry that it hurts his tummy when he eats a full meal (and when I say a full meal I mean a full meal toddler size!).
Every time I have him seen it is always the same response... His weight is fine, he doesn't look sick. Yes well if you ate what he ate you would look fine too. A body cannot live off of cheese, crackers, dried fruit and an occasional grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or and dry cereal alone. It is no wonder he has been on medication to have normal bowel movements (which he still doesn't and normally bleeds when he does) for the past two years of him life.
I seriously just cannot take it anymore, I am ready to just drop his off somewhere and have someone else fix this issue. We have a few services come from Early Intervention for Alec, there is an eating therapist, speech therapist and a behaviorist. The eating therapist can't do much because the problem is stemming from the example his brother is setting for him. She keeps offering suggestions, none of which have worked thus far. The Speech therapist has only been twice now but on her first visit is the one who told us about the adenoids being enlarged and creating the problem with the constant drool and lack of speech. Had the surgery and he is talking up a storm now, problem solved. The behaviorist comes as a part of the supplemental assistant to families, she is here because of Tavin. The problem is, his problem is eating which they refer back to the eating therapist. She is very helpful when I have other issues and has made several suggestions to help Alec, none of which I can do right now. One suggestion she had that was great was to take him to a daycare a few days a weeks, just for a few hours, over mealtime. This way he can be with other kids and have the example of them eating and be more apt and willing to try new foods and have better mealtime habits. Great idea!!! No money for daycare. Dennis has no job. I could go and get a part-time job to pay for it, just to cover that expense, only I am having a baby in a month and a half, and who is going to hire me for a month? Let alone I can't put him in for one month just to take him back out.
I keep looking for answers, asking for suggestions of places to get help from every professional I know but nobody has any answers. There would be some solutions available if we had decent insurance but Medicaid (which thank goodness the boys have that available) does not offer any program that offers anything close to dealing with eating issues, or services for children with Aspergers. If you want help with that you have to go through some other State based program that SUCKS! All they do is give you different suggestions to help treat behaviors. These are some of the suggestions we were given... Get him in swimming lessons because he likes being active, take him to museums so he can have plenty of opportunity to explore different things and go to some conferences for Parents who have children with Aspergers. Okay you idiot of a women, if I had money I would do all of those things, then again, if I had money I wouldn't be on Medicaid having t0 get advice from her in the first place! Isn't that where they are supposed to be paying attention to their clientele before offering advice.
I am just extremely upset and at a complete loss as to what to do. I would pray but I think that is kind of a joke right now. Everything I pray for these last years, it's like I am talking to a wall. At one point I believed that if you ask in complete faith it will happen, well guess what happened, nothing. I have learned though that once I am at a point that I think and fully believe that I cannot handle more of anything, that life has completely overtaken me and I am beginning to go under, I will always have a little bit more piled on, just to push me under a bit further. It;s like it is a test to see how hard I can swim, only doesn't God know that I can't swim at all?
For 17 months now we have been praying for Dennis to find a job, any job, we have even prayed for a job at Costco, Home Depot, etc... even with his Masters Degree, who cares anymore, just a job. All this time I have been consoling myself, as well as Dennis with this b.s. line of, oh you couldn't have had a job at this time or another because then you wouldn't have been able to help so and so in this horrible situation, it must be in God's plan that you were to be home to be able to help. Yes well, life is grand when you can help but when you can't support your own family no excuse of being here to help someone else really cuts it. I just think it's all a big line of junk. For whatever reason it has become apparent to me that God just does not want to intervene in my life, I guess it is more of a free for all.
I just really want to escape right now, from my kids, but especially from the kitchen. I don't want anything to do with that whole area of my house anymore. For all I care at this point we can all live on crackers alone, and eat them all in the living room. How much worse can this get and how awful it must feel to be Tavin right now, all the damage I am doing to him psychologically, I just don;t know what else to do! Can't I just quit my job as a Mother?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Once here, now gone. In loving Memory of my Brother
I don't know where to begin, it's 4 a.m. and I can't sleep, all the thoughts are running through my head of what needs to be done and how to do it and how life is now going to be.
Tuesday morning I went to the dentist and has a filling removed and replaced as well as my gums cut away where they had grown over a chipped tooth. Okay it hurt, and of course I can only take Tylenol, which does nothing, because of the pregnancy. So my mouth numb and so tired I sat holding both boys after Tavin got home from school with them both snacking on bread as we watched Veggie Tales. I tried to put my head back without them noticing and fall asleep but it just wouldn't work.
A moment later, at 12:40 our house phone rang, it was my Sister and Dennis picked up. She told Dennis to tell me she was on her way to Ogden Regional, Jason had been taken by Ambulance to the hospital and they don't know what is wrong. Dennis asked if I should meet them at the hospital but she said no, Babes from work was taking her and she'll be fine. Immediately after that phone call Dennis got a call from Costco for a job interview on Thursday, yea!!!
Within five minutes I received another phone call, this time on my cell phone and it was Babes, who I just met a week or so ago, she is one of Tonia's co-workers. She said, "Calena you have to get down here, Jason is not responding, Tonia needs you!" I jumped and I remember throwing my socks off, yet to be found, and grabbing my flip flops, grabbing my purse and telling Dennis I have to go. I remember thinking that shoes took too long and I'll be fine with no sweater, I didn't have time (it was like 42 degrees outside). I knew I had to go. He's been to the hospital on 2 separate occasions from heart attacks, and we know his life at this point is just fragile and who knows when it will end.
I raced my car there, which only took about 5 minutes. I ran to the E.R. desk and told them I need to go back with my Sister. She said, "You're here with Jason, oh good, can you give me information, your sister can't give me anything." I told her I would try and I felt so stupid, I couldn't remember his birth year, or his address. How do I not know their address??? She got up and when returning told me that they are not letting anyone back right now. I was about to say something but received a call again from my Sister's phone. It was Babes and she was bawling, I knew it was bad. She told me to run to the Ambulance drop off and she could get me in. I snuck in with her and as she took me to the room where Jason was lying on the bed with at least 12 Doctors/Students, whoever they were surrounding him, I saw my Sister sitting in a chair off to the side with a small old woman standing behind her. I took one look towards Jason and saw CPR being performed, a bag pump thing over his mouth and several tubes being pokes into his body. I put my arm and up and remember saying, "Don't look at him!" Then realizing we had to look I did and just held my Sister as tight as I could. I kept running my fingers through her hair because I remember her doing that for me during the birth of the boys, I remember that helping me and I didn't know what to do for her. Babes sat on one side and I sat on her other, holding her as tightly as possible. At some points she was shaking so bad her whole body was moving so I held tighter. She was just staring at him. His chest was being pushed down several inches with each pump of the hands of CPR, the bag was inflated over his mouth and his eyes were half open and blood shot. His body looked pale compared to his normal milk chocolate covered skin. They shocked him on at least two separate occasions trying to revive him. I remember at one point seeing the clock at 12:54 and again at 1:22 but that is all I remember of the time in that room. I was sobbing with my Sister and Babes and remember saying repeatedly, "Come on Jason, Come on Jason!" I also remember repeating, "Oh sh**!" Sounds so stupid now but that just kept coming out, thank goodness I was whispering!!! I do not even swear and I have no idea where that came from, ha.
At one point Tonia told me that he is leaving her alone, he can't leave her alone! I told her that she is never alone, we will always be there with her, I will never leave her alone. She told me about that morning and how today was the day he had once again promised her to quit smoking, and he called her whining about wanting a cigarette and she told him to stop whining, she had to get back to work. He has "tried" to quit so many times it was just old news to her, she's been through so much with him.
I knew deep in my soul that he was gone when I got there but I kept having hope, I kept quietly praying to please let him live, give him one more chance to make good choices, stop drinking and smoking and live a little longer, just till the girls were a little older.
I sat there crying, watching. Then, they took the bag off his mouth and kept CPR going, Doctors were calling out orders above all of the other Doctors. It was then that as I saw Jason's blood shot eyes, his head turned, dropped to one side and he was staring at us! His eyes red, half open, looking right at us, I couldn't look away, I wanted to but I couldn't. There was no life in his eyes and his body was left staring at us! I couldn't hold it together so well and was shaking as I was squeezing Tonia, smoothing her hair, holding her shoulder pulling her into me. We watched together as they did an Ultrasound and the Doctor saw nothing of interest.
I had my head pressed against her left arm, looking towards her lap, with my arms wrapped around her body holding her from shaking when suddenly the compressions stopped, I heard it. Immediately I saw two men's feet pointing towards us, I couldn't look up, I just staring bawling. My Sister's body went limp and she kept saying, "No!" All they said was, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could." I remember thanking them but not looking up, I couldn't face them. Later Tonia said that one Dr. has a tear in his eye. This is the same Dr. who has been working with Jason for the last few years, trying to keep his body going.
The Doctors cleared the room and the sweet little lady who stayed with us told her to go hold him. I walked her up to his body that was then covered with a sheet, Babes to one side and me to the other. She held his hand, and then laid on his chest. Suddenly I remembered, he's with his Dad. I told Tonia, "He's with his Dad now, that's where he has always wanted to be." That seemed to bring her peace as she relaxed onto his body even more. His Dad passed away on 2004 and that is when his alcoholism began, he couldn't handle it, and the Doctors kept warning him that he had to stop or he would die, but he couldn't, he just couldn't.
After a while I knew I needed to get the girls from school. The social worker took me to another room and I told her, I need to pick them up from school, I was beginning to panic, I could feel it. She was asking me questions and I could not remember where any of them went to school, or where they day care even was for the two little ones. I was panicking because how am I supposed to pick them up from school if I don't remember how to get to their schools, or even the name of them. What was I going to do? I had called Dennis somewhere in there and told him to please come, same with my Mom. I couldn't get a hold of Mike or Elise (my Brother and Sister-in-law) but I kept trying, and Dennis was trying. I was still alone to deal with this though. Babes ran up to me and said that Shannon, a friend of my Sister could pick up the older girls, I just had to cal and give the school permission since I am an emergency contact. They gave me the phone numbers and I made the call. Babes arranged for the pick up of the little ones from day care too. All the girls would be coming here.
I was trying to figure out Tonia's phone to call Vick, Jason's cousin who lives with him. He is the one who found him and called the Ambulance. As I was searching for his number and Babes is trying to help a call came in on Tonia's phone, it was Jason's MOM!!! I had to answer it! I said, "Hello, this is Calena, Tonia's sister." She asked, "How is Jason Calena? Is he okay now?" I was in shock, I had to tell her and I began sobbing. I remember saying, as well as I could with my mouth still numb, "They did everything they could, it just wasn't enough, he's gone Marilyn!" She was frantic and hung up. I called Vic and told Vick the same thing, he hung up. Then a Nurse brought me the phone and said it was family. I answered it and it was Jason's brother. He said to me once I answered, "I'm trying to find out about my brother, Jason Young, I was told he was taken there." I just kept thinking, why me? This can't be my job! I can't tell one more person, but I had to. I had to tell a Mother her son was gone, a brother he could no longer see his only brother, and a cousin, best friend and roommate that the man he found that had only been alone five minutes was dead!
Then Elise called. I answered and said, "Elise! I need you at Ogden Regional, Jason just died, get here please!" She said, "What?" so I repeated myself. She said she was on her way with Mike and hung up. After I was off the phone I sat there with my hands in my lap, not knowing what to do next. The social worker told me to take some time and relax, but I couldn't, Tonia needed me. So I went back in to the room with her.
They then moved his body to a more comfortable room, more private. Dennis got there and went straight to Tonia and just held her. She was pretty well collected until he touched her and she broke down. He held her until they rolled in Jason's body. Then Elise and Mike showed up. We all cried together as Dennis, as calm as ever stood back, red faced and peaceful looking just watched us. He held it together for us, we couldn't.
I can't write anymore tonight. My eyes hurt from the tears, my nose is sore from my constant draining. I gotta say, this pregnancy sure isn't helping the emotional roller coaster I have been on these last two days. I'll write the rest tomorrow.
God be with you till we meet again Jason, may you rest in Peace. We love you my Brother.
Tuesday morning I went to the dentist and has a filling removed and replaced as well as my gums cut away where they had grown over a chipped tooth. Okay it hurt, and of course I can only take Tylenol, which does nothing, because of the pregnancy. So my mouth numb and so tired I sat holding both boys after Tavin got home from school with them both snacking on bread as we watched Veggie Tales. I tried to put my head back without them noticing and fall asleep but it just wouldn't work.
A moment later, at 12:40 our house phone rang, it was my Sister and Dennis picked up. She told Dennis to tell me she was on her way to Ogden Regional, Jason had been taken by Ambulance to the hospital and they don't know what is wrong. Dennis asked if I should meet them at the hospital but she said no, Babes from work was taking her and she'll be fine. Immediately after that phone call Dennis got a call from Costco for a job interview on Thursday, yea!!!
Within five minutes I received another phone call, this time on my cell phone and it was Babes, who I just met a week or so ago, she is one of Tonia's co-workers. She said, "Calena you have to get down here, Jason is not responding, Tonia needs you!" I jumped and I remember throwing my socks off, yet to be found, and grabbing my flip flops, grabbing my purse and telling Dennis I have to go. I remember thinking that shoes took too long and I'll be fine with no sweater, I didn't have time (it was like 42 degrees outside). I knew I had to go. He's been to the hospital on 2 separate occasions from heart attacks, and we know his life at this point is just fragile and who knows when it will end.
I raced my car there, which only took about 5 minutes. I ran to the E.R. desk and told them I need to go back with my Sister. She said, "You're here with Jason, oh good, can you give me information, your sister can't give me anything." I told her I would try and I felt so stupid, I couldn't remember his birth year, or his address. How do I not know their address??? She got up and when returning told me that they are not letting anyone back right now. I was about to say something but received a call again from my Sister's phone. It was Babes and she was bawling, I knew it was bad. She told me to run to the Ambulance drop off and she could get me in. I snuck in with her and as she took me to the room where Jason was lying on the bed with at least 12 Doctors/Students, whoever they were surrounding him, I saw my Sister sitting in a chair off to the side with a small old woman standing behind her. I took one look towards Jason and saw CPR being performed, a bag pump thing over his mouth and several tubes being pokes into his body. I put my arm and up and remember saying, "Don't look at him!" Then realizing we had to look I did and just held my Sister as tight as I could. I kept running my fingers through her hair because I remember her doing that for me during the birth of the boys, I remember that helping me and I didn't know what to do for her. Babes sat on one side and I sat on her other, holding her as tightly as possible. At some points she was shaking so bad her whole body was moving so I held tighter. She was just staring at him. His chest was being pushed down several inches with each pump of the hands of CPR, the bag was inflated over his mouth and his eyes were half open and blood shot. His body looked pale compared to his normal milk chocolate covered skin. They shocked him on at least two separate occasions trying to revive him. I remember at one point seeing the clock at 12:54 and again at 1:22 but that is all I remember of the time in that room. I was sobbing with my Sister and Babes and remember saying repeatedly, "Come on Jason, Come on Jason!" I also remember repeating, "Oh sh**!" Sounds so stupid now but that just kept coming out, thank goodness I was whispering!!! I do not even swear and I have no idea where that came from, ha.
At one point Tonia told me that he is leaving her alone, he can't leave her alone! I told her that she is never alone, we will always be there with her, I will never leave her alone. She told me about that morning and how today was the day he had once again promised her to quit smoking, and he called her whining about wanting a cigarette and she told him to stop whining, she had to get back to work. He has "tried" to quit so many times it was just old news to her, she's been through so much with him.
I knew deep in my soul that he was gone when I got there but I kept having hope, I kept quietly praying to please let him live, give him one more chance to make good choices, stop drinking and smoking and live a little longer, just till the girls were a little older.
I sat there crying, watching. Then, they took the bag off his mouth and kept CPR going, Doctors were calling out orders above all of the other Doctors. It was then that as I saw Jason's blood shot eyes, his head turned, dropped to one side and he was staring at us! His eyes red, half open, looking right at us, I couldn't look away, I wanted to but I couldn't. There was no life in his eyes and his body was left staring at us! I couldn't hold it together so well and was shaking as I was squeezing Tonia, smoothing her hair, holding her shoulder pulling her into me. We watched together as they did an Ultrasound and the Doctor saw nothing of interest.
I had my head pressed against her left arm, looking towards her lap, with my arms wrapped around her body holding her from shaking when suddenly the compressions stopped, I heard it. Immediately I saw two men's feet pointing towards us, I couldn't look up, I just staring bawling. My Sister's body went limp and she kept saying, "No!" All they said was, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could." I remember thanking them but not looking up, I couldn't face them. Later Tonia said that one Dr. has a tear in his eye. This is the same Dr. who has been working with Jason for the last few years, trying to keep his body going.
The Doctors cleared the room and the sweet little lady who stayed with us told her to go hold him. I walked her up to his body that was then covered with a sheet, Babes to one side and me to the other. She held his hand, and then laid on his chest. Suddenly I remembered, he's with his Dad. I told Tonia, "He's with his Dad now, that's where he has always wanted to be." That seemed to bring her peace as she relaxed onto his body even more. His Dad passed away on 2004 and that is when his alcoholism began, he couldn't handle it, and the Doctors kept warning him that he had to stop or he would die, but he couldn't, he just couldn't.
After a while I knew I needed to get the girls from school. The social worker took me to another room and I told her, I need to pick them up from school, I was beginning to panic, I could feel it. She was asking me questions and I could not remember where any of them went to school, or where they day care even was for the two little ones. I was panicking because how am I supposed to pick them up from school if I don't remember how to get to their schools, or even the name of them. What was I going to do? I had called Dennis somewhere in there and told him to please come, same with my Mom. I couldn't get a hold of Mike or Elise (my Brother and Sister-in-law) but I kept trying, and Dennis was trying. I was still alone to deal with this though. Babes ran up to me and said that Shannon, a friend of my Sister could pick up the older girls, I just had to cal and give the school permission since I am an emergency contact. They gave me the phone numbers and I made the call. Babes arranged for the pick up of the little ones from day care too. All the girls would be coming here.
I was trying to figure out Tonia's phone to call Vick, Jason's cousin who lives with him. He is the one who found him and called the Ambulance. As I was searching for his number and Babes is trying to help a call came in on Tonia's phone, it was Jason's MOM!!! I had to answer it! I said, "Hello, this is Calena, Tonia's sister." She asked, "How is Jason Calena? Is he okay now?" I was in shock, I had to tell her and I began sobbing. I remember saying, as well as I could with my mouth still numb, "They did everything they could, it just wasn't enough, he's gone Marilyn!" She was frantic and hung up. I called Vic and told Vick the same thing, he hung up. Then a Nurse brought me the phone and said it was family. I answered it and it was Jason's brother. He said to me once I answered, "I'm trying to find out about my brother, Jason Young, I was told he was taken there." I just kept thinking, why me? This can't be my job! I can't tell one more person, but I had to. I had to tell a Mother her son was gone, a brother he could no longer see his only brother, and a cousin, best friend and roommate that the man he found that had only been alone five minutes was dead!
Then Elise called. I answered and said, "Elise! I need you at Ogden Regional, Jason just died, get here please!" She said, "What?" so I repeated myself. She said she was on her way with Mike and hung up. After I was off the phone I sat there with my hands in my lap, not knowing what to do next. The social worker told me to take some time and relax, but I couldn't, Tonia needed me. So I went back in to the room with her.
They then moved his body to a more comfortable room, more private. Dennis got there and went straight to Tonia and just held her. She was pretty well collected until he touched her and she broke down. He held her until they rolled in Jason's body. Then Elise and Mike showed up. We all cried together as Dennis, as calm as ever stood back, red faced and peaceful looking just watched us. He held it together for us, we couldn't.
I can't write anymore tonight. My eyes hurt from the tears, my nose is sore from my constant draining. I gotta say, this pregnancy sure isn't helping the emotional roller coaster I have been on these last two days. I'll write the rest tomorrow.
God be with you till we meet again Jason, may you rest in Peace. We love you my Brother.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)